personal laboratorie

30/F/AU · JP

professional stray dog and serial experimenter

warmth seeker
world eater


Listening to
lil soda boi - Courtside
maplestory (legion 1661 soon 2 b more)
homestuck (p4128)


let's gaming!

14 June, 2024


playing a lot of AFK Journey has increased my video game stamina, so now I am on my annual MapleStory run

i started on a new server and played all day for a week straight (except when working)
and it was amazing

here's my guy in my favorite map :D

one thing my mind does when it is forced through huge consuming sprees is,
it builds up a strong desire to create things, and a storm of ideas continuously zaps me

so indeed, it is also the annual time to want to make video game
here is a thought dump so far -

i always want to create an online game, but i don't want to learn Unity's networking or Steam's online server channel connection whatever systerms
and managing cheaters and attackers seems like a huge bother when I don't know the inner workings of how these things work.
i also don't like the idea of making people download software for a game, i want it to be more accessible than that
so it would be a game written in php (i.e. browser game) and it's going to be really fun for me i think

the closest past projects to my ideas would be -

  • ratsnet: exploration, minigame, skilltree system (though it was a placeholder :p), items, cosmetics
  • north-of-goodtown: anonymous play, currency, minigame
  • cocobox: live chat, pet movement, community maps, player homes, cosmetics, furniture/player home management

my brain is not working, i have slept <5 hours a night for this last week, here is a messier dump:

  • i love data validation
  • i love server-side data validation
  • if you think about it, runescape is entirely possible in the realm of web games. everyone is basically in a grid and you're firing actions
  • but that sounds really spammy on the server
  • but we'll figure something out
  • also I don't want it to be like runescape where it seems too easy to bot. I want it to be moderatelynoteasy to bot
  • inpisriteation:
    • GLITCH (the game): possibly the entire game view. maybe it should be 2d side scrolling like that. also the skill tree
    • MAPLESTORY: i love cash shops and cosmetics. but most of all the 19 years worth of clunk. I love things that feel full of content. also the way they have 15 events on at any given time. the skill system
    • NEOPETS: the inherent fact that it is a website. I want the game to be really gamey but also really websitey, instead of a game that tries to hide that it is a website
    • DOTA: you know, there's actually nothing i want from dota. but it gets an honarable mention. maybe the silly profile customization feature. and gambling lootboxes.
    • AFK JOURNEY: cash shop. gambling. cash ghop. sambling. also a warm, soul-emcompassing atmosphere that makes me want to stay forever and ignore the real world
    • HOMESTUCK: the bitmap style and the short animations. i would want this thing to have a story but i am no good writer but we will be ok
    • FISHING WITH CAT: yeah i referenced my own game what are you gonna do about it. it will have fishing for when the game is closed




29 May, 2024


went to comitia, where everyone sells their original art and comics


I bought from about 6 booths. here are images from two -

above is from an artist I bought from 2 years ago. was nice to see them again with new content. they draw this cute penguin with his friends in candid scenes, it's really warm to look at.

a great example of a booth that isn't traditional art: this lady is a pigeon photographer and sold booklets of pigeons. The above book is her collection of "Do not feed the pigeons" signs, organized in categories, and her comments on them. Isn't that great? it's so great.
I got this book + sticker + pigeon bookmark, as pictured

the other ones are comic essays on topics like a couple being portayed as seals and their daily lives, or a storytime on when the author's father died, or a comic on why they love Haniwas so much.

people ask me if I would ever do a booth there. and my answer is always that I don't have enough consistency to present any coherent collection of works.
maybe I could pretend to be 12 people and create a zine with 12 styles that way
either way I wish I was technically better at art arrrrrh


on the way home, i was amused by a view of the train station - there was a constant stream of people moving at a consistent pace into the horizon.
it felt a little spooky

the sound tone is cool though


hope you are having a nice time



keeping on

19 May, 2024


found out recently that teppy is actually being used by real people strangers

here is a cool collage of the ones I have found

it made me feel happy.
the new experience of people using your creativity to extend their creativity!
like a cool sense of trust and acknowledgement.
and people are writing about their lives on it

10+ years of me making random crap and some people have finally found something to be useful!!!

I am finding that I mention "10 years!!" into many statements.
It is a prideful vanity thing but I'm still going to do it
if you can't show off success or fame, you can at least show off your stubborn persistence! :D




With reading, I finally finished Crime & Punishment
As usual with most fiction books I force myself to read, I did not enjoy it!
I didn't even have a reason to read this book, it's like I was just looking to cause myself mild discomfort

Speaking of crimes and due punishment, I am yet to start on the crafting website.
I guess that site is supposed to have things I made IRL but I have had so little interest in the physical realm lately x)

I don't want to do it, but that's exactly why I will be making it soon.

stay in tuned!

melty melty

4 May, 2024










2 - promise of a rose garden (it will rain)


3 - my mom trapped me in the basement bathroom and all I have is my bootleg gameboy


4 - collect dust


brain's been feeling a bit funny lately


shadow lemon

30 April, 2024


some thoughts on the last few updates:

  • past layouts page - looking back at past layouts feels like at attempts at metamorphosing into something that feels right.
    repeatedly coming out of a cocoon, thinking "hmm. no. still not right" and then going back in again, back to being a brain soup, having to think of another form.
    I think I'll be happy with the current setup forever. That would mean I took over 10 years to get to something right. which is cool.
    I like to think that, instead of considering myself to be good at something, I just think I got to a right place because I put the time into it.
    It's a nice outlook. It means I believe I can get to do most things as long as I put time into it, instead of needing talent, resources, or luck
  • p's chatlog - I hope they never actually find the page because they would think it's weird. thank you for being my subject
  • photo album - was funny how down I was the whole day after having completed this. mixed feelings about loss and failure that you usually don't face all at once. I'd like to add to the album later of photos of the past, of times where I didn't exist. I'll post about it once I add more.

I did think of a sort of wishlist for the photo album, including impossible items:

  • the ice skating rink and the night drives after ice skating
  • a photo with pdog in it somewhere. i'll probably take one of the back of their head or something creepy if i see them again
  • volleyball court
  • dota TI 2024

candid bad photos are my favorite because it feels closer to a memory


i also recently finished a set of drawings of angels on EXILESOUGHTFINALE
when I completed the first one I didn't have further plans for it, but then I started imagining them in other places so I drew that.
and then i thought of drawing their past, which I already had in mind by the second drawing, but never thought to draw it ("sounds too hard")
i intended their last picture to be in the same style as the others, but something went wrong (or "right"?) along the way and it turned into what it is now
it's not a feeling or thought i can explain well in words (it is more like a question!), so it is times like these where one is fortunate to have other avenues


take care

in the next 4 days i'd like to try and make some cool layouts.


don;t peel away

14 April, 2024


wanted to put together a page for my maplestory screenshots from 2009, it took a lot longer than expected.
it was also hard to do with a headache the whole time (I went outside today :D)
so I'll complete it later by adding captions for each one. page here.

recently bought one of those heart monitor wristbands
now google knows a lot more about me, but it's been cool seeing sleep and heart rate patterns.
it also allows you to log water consumption and I learned I only have 1L of water a day which doesn't sound good.

below are two days of heart rates

heart rate on a normal day

heart rate on 12 hours of dota

- - - - -

I haven't been in a successful creating mood lately so I was thinking of making a photo gallery page,
but this orderly process of chronologically going through your entire life in the form of pictures was a bit unsettling
the page will still be made, though the pictures will me made annoyingly edited and small in size

take care



2 April, 2024

april fools!


A little late

Why do all the cats, except for one, move to the same location?
Is it symbolism of my inner turmoils towards my surroundings?
Or is it because I couldn't figure out how to get them all to follow you?
Just me should be all you need.

(I like to try and get the one to the other side without touching all the others)


Today I gathered together some dev-related notes for my dev site, collected across multiple iterations of my site from the past

It turns out I had a decent amount that I had forgotten
Including a 2000-line walkthrough
That's wild

layout notes

27 March, 2024


here are the notes and drafts I had made before starting these sites

mostly nonsensical, as usual

the big map where I was trying to figure out how to divide The Content.
not sure why the site for drawings is represented by a castle wall with no door. seems psychoanalyzable

was apparently very adamant about making this place EMO
don't think I would actually want that

dev site. ominous random messaging

EXILESOUGHTFINALE website notes, trying to decide mascot graphic

craft site notes. craft site being the remaining site that does not exist yet.
the notes do not define the site well. thus it is hard for me to work on it
The cat drawings are meant to be the different icons for the menu.
the pottery cat, the sewing cat, the baking cat (i like him) .... etc
unrelated doodles in the middle

draft for portal
suspicious happy necronomicon for last icon?

(・ω・)つ ──────────── ⊂(・ω・)

recently finished reading blood meridian and lolita

blood meridian - the first book i've read by mccarthy. the most romantic descriptions of the most horrific scenes. there was an impressionable image that I remembered from 4 years ago and it turns out it's the villain of this book. cool

lolita - it's basically reading american psycho but from the perspective of a redditor. i enjoyed the theme of insane obsession, the idea of your every action and thought being led by it.

long ego

21 March, 2024

4 weeks ago I cut my hair
Prior to that, my hair had never been short
Having long hair is a horrible time though, I just had it because I felt like I had to if I am a woman

my tendrils........


enjoy the dirty mirrors.

Before. Long hair. Too much hair. Too much burden. Too much attachment ╰( ̄ω ̄o)

Still took this opportunity to do silly things. A bit of hair was left of the side to have as a small braid

After. it probably looks weird, but I like that

One problem, I think the shorter the hair the more you have to be consicous of how it is styled.
I do not know how to style anything. In fact, the hair might have been one of the only redeeming feminine features I had since I don't know how to do makeup or dress womanly either.
So I just walk around looking like a disheveled thing
Recently I've been thinking that I was a sewer rat in my previous life. But like a really cool sewer rat.

If I was a guy I'd just buzzcut my hair every once in a while.
Maybe I'll start doing that once I turn 40 (○` 3′○)




17 March, 2024

remembered what I originally wanted to post about

a potato I bought this week:

also was too unhappy with last night's drawing so I needed to draw something else to feel better -

silly ending

17 March, 2024


always have a string of thoughts that I'd like to write on here, but
always feel like I need to present something else more worthwhile
so here is a drawing, and by this time I've forgotten what I wanted to say

revisited my previous drawing which I like more than the time I drew it.
it ended up not being good enough for the purpose but that's ok

lately in drawings I've enjoyed giving the characters cracked lips to go with their dirty, aged skin.
it shows the discomfort and pain that comes with experiencing Life over time, I think.

I'd also like to use the stringiness of the ear accessory, flowers in hair, and floating objects in the future too.
this drawing was actually very good for me.


played a lot of Frieren's ED on Osu recently, for the first dozen rounds I couldn't complete it properly because I was crying
which sounds silly but it's too sad thinking about Himmel
but that's probably just how life is, how rare it is for you to find someone you can love, and even rarer for them to ever love you back in the same way
not to say that that in itself is sad, to find such a person is such a unique dance of uplifting feelings
Himmel got to spend 10 years with Frieren so that was probably nice -
but for him to most likely have felt that he means almost nothing to her even after all the time together,
that is tragic


take form

12 March, 2024


I recently Made a Friend.

When I found him he was all decrepit and lost, barely holding on

I gave him warmth, sustenance, he grew back his wings

he had healed enough and was ready to see the world again, so he was given a face.

he is still filled with uncertainty and anxiety but fortunately for him, his gracious creator has given him a purpose
he will be holding my dishwashing brush
he needs to worry no more

projects,teppy update

6 March, 2024


two updates:

  • projects page done
  • teppy's sozai merged with teppy's layouts. The sozai is now in the sidebar of the layouts site

man I don't know what the h*ll I'm doing with the teppy sites but I think merging them wasn't too bad of an idea. There's already a decent amount of people using the layouts site so I think putting the graphics on the side is ok. But I have to make actually useful graphics the current ones don't seem Good Enough

the projects page was cool to do because I got to reflect on what role each site played in my life. All the sites references played a HUGE role which is why I felt it was necessary to specify "LIFE-CHANGING inspiration". this is serious stuff

also damn I  have 5 sites I'm juggling now my file management skills are being put to the test
(I am failing)


I noticed when I was doing the projects page that Flip Flop Flyin' was put offline. Which made me feel like I lost a friend. It's that feeling where you don't talk for a while and then when you go to message them you find that they've deleted you without saying anything.
no really it's a sizable deal to me, I loved that site, it had so much soul and art. hope it comes back.

how will your online presence die?

teppy layout update

5 March, 2024


I updated teppy's layouts' layout today.



kind of forced myself to do it when I didn't want to, so it took over 6 hours to draw which is absolutely ridiculous
it was supposed to be a brain splice between the old layout and teppy's sozai website, because they are going to be merged teppy is going to DIE
is it better is it worse it's probably worse because it's unfitting for a 00s layouts site to appear like this.
an utter thematic failure
just like me

I would do more things but I haven't been able to sleep properly lately. one of those times where everything feels blurred together and you don't feel here. NO ONE is here anyway

another update is that I imported previous posts. if you scroll down then you'll see the full archive list. nothing new there though. they're divided by 6-month time periods

a boot

28 February, 2024


here's a card I made yesterday

I'm thinking the brush strokes should have been horizontal but I think it turned out well still

Some things which have made me happy recently -

The recent pet for MTGA, Tunnel Tipster, who now accompanies me for each match:

Is that not the cutest thing you have seen? And he claps for you if you do something right (rare in my case as I do not know how to play). That's the kind of reassurance everyone needs.

Secondly, this tape roll: It looks like a normal tape roll but it's actually stacked stickers.

is beauty.

As for website updates, the about page is up now


I would do more updates but I was up until 4AM today on a server migration at work. It was crazy but I did it and it felt pretty good I am proud of myself


27 February, 2024



The portal page (cocolat) had been completed
It is where the updates list is posted as well as links out to the other sites
I decided to keep cocolat since ... Well, I don't want to let it go.

I could have done better with the page, but the general homey feeling of starting off in a desktop environment is achieved fine I think
As you can see, there's icons for two more sites (❁´◡`❁) one for teppy's layouts/sozai, and one for crafts. These two will likely take longer.
The teppy's layout site has actually been doing really well despite my absence from it, where people are posting questions and feedback. So I think I'll try putting more time into that project. The plan is to give it a new layout, merge teppy's sozai into it, and I had a cool idea of making a video for each layout. It would take a lot of effort, but I haven't explored the video medium much so I think it would be fun.

Favicons were also created for each of the sites so far -

And with this blog, I merged it with a secret blog I used to have for a bit :D
Since cocolat didn't feel like a place where I could talk about most parts of myself, I found myself creating another one. This layout is a successor of that one. The fishies gif on the left was moved directly from that blog iteration. The posts are all pretty Bad, especially since I never planned to have it be really visible near me, but I guess we all need to face ourselves at some point. A lot of my past cocolat posts were embarassing anyway.

Next steps:

  • Merge teppy's layouts with sozai
  • Split blog posts by 6-month increments as paginamtion
  • Import previous posts
  • Projects page
  • About page
  • Make craft site (a very very simple site)
  • Redo most of teppy's layouts - there's a lot of room for improvement on readability
  • Make debudev page on the NorthOfGoodtown game
  • slee



19 February, 2024


Finished the ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddrawings site
It is of course oldweb themed! I didn't know how it was going to turn out but am actually very happy with it.
We may visit it by clicking thise URL ->

Draft pic:

reasons why it is cool:

  • iframes.
  • the content area is a lot wider now, which is so very much better for viewing larger images
  • everything I make is great

Initially the site was meant to be named "Exiled Genesis Genius". But that sounds too similar to something else φ(゜▽゜*)♪
And these emojis? I know they're all messed up when it gets sent to neocities. but I think it's funny so I'm keeping it like this ^

My sites are still missing an "Updates" list for when I make changes. I still don't know where to put it:
- cocolat home page, or
- home page of this blog

input is appreciated!
oh wait, I don't have a guestbook either.

gato grande

17 February, 2024


I finished the site for my coding projects.
I'm not sure what this theme is. perhaps corporate dread? :D

the poor guy
the cat I created on SAI, the color palette chosed from Lospec, layout prototype made on Fireworks, the banner background created on Aseprite.
please take a look at the site here ->
it contains the content which used to be on the 'software' page of my previous site.

i still need to make a post about the game jam game.
i still need to do a lot of things.

I don't actually know what direction I'm trying to go in here.
it feels like I'm trying to go 6 directions are once which I'm not sure is a valid strategy
but it does keep one busy ( ̄┰ ̄*)ゞ

next I'll need to work on the digital drawings site.
i'm not sure if I'll keep the  home page - I planned to have it be the place where all the timestamped updates would be across all sites, but maybe I should put that on this blog instead? I'm not sure.

I'll come up with something.


manifold love

14 February, 2024

Maybe I can use this blog as a substitute for not having friednes to talkasd to? ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

Went to the cat cafe with my mother today, it was almost spooky how well the cats knew to do their work (to approach you and act cute)
They were all very fluffy and full of static electricity

of course we cannot forget to listen to this [youtube link] today !!

I will be working hard to conjure up the other layouts.
you work hard too.
take care

hell world

13 February, 2024


I had an issue with how together everything was before, because I feel like my pieces shouldn't be with me

and by that I mean: The things I make are its own entities, and I consider them perfect - as silly as most creations may be.
Compared to me, an imperfect, it is a shame for them to be seen with me.

It is like if you were a failing alcoholic parent just trying not to get in the way of your children; you want them to shine on their own.

So I got to make this really cool separate site. And I get to make the other sites cool too.

The other shards will be:

  • Digital drawings
  • Craft/IRL drawings
  • Code-related projects

you are currently on the Thoughts shard.
i hope that I can be another silly happy internet person here.

anyway, lots of things to do (❁´◡`❁)

will be pulling in old posts in here eventually

north of goodtown

29 January, 2024

As tradition goes, we have suffered through another game jam

It is based on cookies so progress will be cleared if cookies are removed

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